I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
