god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
