His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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