walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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