Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
