She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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