Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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