She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
