It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
