Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
