I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize