I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
