We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize