i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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