next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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