Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
