Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
