she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
