Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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