Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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