I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
