I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
