I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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