I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
