here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i black out too much to be "responsible"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
