you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
