i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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