Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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