McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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