So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
