He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
