You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I got inside last night via doggy door
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
