Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
