Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
