Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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