i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
