It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
