this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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