For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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