I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
