Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
