i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
