Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
