Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
