I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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