Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
