Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just cut my nipple shaving
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
