I can tuck mytits in my pants
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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