he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
