I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Randomize
