So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
