I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
