I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
