It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
