her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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