i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
