tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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