You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
