Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize