why didn't you poke me back
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
