She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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