Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
