I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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