mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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