Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i think i have herpe
just one?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
